1.27.12 Diebenkorn & Hesse

01/27/2012 § 2 Comments

RICHARD DIEBENKORN

April 22, 1922 – March 30, 1993

Untitled, 1970

Still Life with Letter, 1961

EVA HESSE

January 11, 1936 – May 29, 1970

Contingent, 1968

Untitled, 1960

Eva Hesse

Every so often I forget why I am doing what I do.  I get caught up in the end result.  Or I get caught up in the fact that I am not “there” yet.  Wherever that is.  I also get lost in the fear that people may not like what I am doing – or I tailor a piece to what I think people will like.  Then I am just that.  I am lost.  And I need to find my way back to the roots of what I do.  And I need to ask myself the very first question again.   Why?  Why am i doing this?  Is it to make money?  Yes…but no.  Is it because I don’t know what else to do with myself?  In a way, yes.  But more than any other reason, it is because I have to.  I am miserable without it.  Cranky and unfulfilled.  When I look at the photo of Eva above, I see the place I want to be.  I see the peace in her that comes from doing what you are here to do.  When you just are.  And you move through it without hindrance.  This morning I woke up feeling sick, achy and worn down.  I came into the sitting room and gazed at my recent work overflowing from the back of my sewing chair onto the floor, and thought just that question…Why?  More thoughts flowed in.  What is that?  Why did I make that?  Do I even like it?  What am I doing?   Back to the first question.  Why?  Why I am not looking for another job?  Why am I not still working in a lab at some biotech company?  Why am I not still teaching?  Why do I need to pursue this?  It always comes back to that.  So I made a cup of tea and sat on our wonderful old couch and started pouring through books on two of my favorite artists.  Richard Diebenkorn and Eva Hesse.  And I remember.  I remember being a little girl standing in front of paintings by Diebenkorn and Francis Bacon and feeling at home.  Feeling like I had found my place.  And I am soothed.  I look at the lines in Diebenkorn’s work and see the inspiration for the rustic industrial patterns I am driven to sew.  I look at Eva’s work and see the beauty in the rough edges.  And I see that it is all good.  That no matter where it takes me it is good.  And I cry.  And I am happy.  Still sick, but happy.  xoxo

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